What are friends with benefits?

What is a life without love? What is a life with friends? What is a life without wonderful people in your life to share the good and bad times with? There are so many people who, in life, we benefit from… especially, when it comes to friends. Our friends bring wonderful things to our life; happiness, laughter, joy, experience, support… sex?

Yes… Sex? That three-letter word, that has an amazing power to create such passion and intensity. That three-letter word, that also has the power to destruct and ruin. Do we dare bring such an unstable high-risk element into our friendships? There is the obvious possibility that things could get awkward and change the current friendship, but there is also the possibility that it could be amazing and taking a friendship to the next level, and is a new exciting form of exploration that really works. So, how do we measure the risk? How do we know if taking our friendship to ‘friends with benefits’ is worth it?

It is a totally different thought pattern in the decision making for men and women. One of the most important factors when men consider sleeping with a female friend is if that friend will become attached. Now, when friends hook up and this happens, a man knows all too well about what comes with it: There is the potential expectation of a relationship (or even acting as if there were one), the jealousy and protective nature of a woman in a relationship and the need and attention in a romantic nature. If the man wants a relationship, he will voluntarily enter a relationship. If a man wants a friend with benefits, he is mindful not to allow such behaviors to occur and enters into the ‘relationship’ with no expectation or plans of monogamy. It is but purely a sexual relationship.

Women on the other hand, are much more concerned about jeopardizing the friendship and losing that male as a friend, as a non-romantic companion. Women can really cherish their male friends as they provide a refreshing simplicity and all that they love in men without the complexity of a full-blown relationship. Being so, the idea of complicating something that is working smoothly can be very risky to a female. If pursued, and the spark is not there and it gets weird, she will regret her actions and the possibility of going back to the way it was prior to the ‘benefits’ is perceived as long gone!

However, does ‘friends with benefits’ always result from a current existing friendship? Does a ‘friend with benefits’ have to originate from an established, trusting and close-nit friendship? Absolutely not. A friendship can actually be formed through the means of ‘friends with benefits’. Now, that is a pretty cool concept, if you ask me. I have known one-night-stands to eventuate into wonderful friendships. There are many a friendships who function perfectly as what we may see as a normal friendship, yet, behind closed doors they are having sex. What is a normal friendship?

The desire for sex without the commitment of a monogamous relationship is ever growing and most definitely apparent. It is a need, a desire, and just like a thirst – must be quenched. So, if you have not found the right partner, how do you satisfy your sexual needs? Is it on your own, is it by having sex with people you meet whom you are attracted to, or is it obtaining a friend with benefits? What must be absolutely clear is that these relationships are not demeaning, nor should they be frowned upon. They are actually doing what is right for them and doing what feels right. I know of people who are on the search for their soul mate, but whilst searching have a friend to play with and keep them on the straight and narrow to finding that perfect person for them. I know of people who have had a ‘friend with benefits’ for over 7 years. They are wonderful friends and it works just right for them.

The trick is not finding the person who is a willing participant. The trick is finding that person who can maintain the right amount of communication and the ability to build such a trust to make a relationship like this work.

So, if having a friend with benefit works for now, what happens when one party enters into a monogamous relationship with a third party? What happens to the friendship… what happens next?

Samantha K

xx

What does she really mean when she says she is “fine”?

Ok… as women we very well know that it can be difficult to understand how we think, as some of the time (or even most of the time) even we don’t understand it ourselves.

Men can often hear what they want to hear, and can make the mistake of taking what a female says at face value. The term “I’m fine!” may mean the one and only thing it can mean to you, however, it is quite the contrary when it is coming from a female.

Women communicate by giving subtle suggestions instead of being literal, so they can check for positive reinforcement before they continue. Women want to be careful about the impact they have on the other person. By doing this, women can actually cause a hell of a lot more confusion by trying to be diplomatic and nurturing, and end up frustrating themselves along with the person they are trying softly communicate with.

So, is it possible for men to ever really work out what she is saying or what she wants? Is this where the term “Girl-Code” comes from? What is the secret to decoding Girl-Code? Will it ever be easy? There are three elements to what she is saying:

-       What she says.

-       What she means.

-       Why she says it.

Being able to answer these three questions, you will be able to know what she is really trying to tell you.

If you have seen the movie The Italian Job, you might recall this awesome line: “I’m Fine”, “Do you know what ‘Fine’ means?”

F: Freaked Out

I: Insecure

N: Neurotic

E: Emotional

… I love this!

It all depends on how it is said, not what is actually said. You know how we say that actions speak louder than words - This is absolutely no exception! Gender conceit always amazes me, with Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. This is so untrue. We are both from that little planet called Earth and we are all of the same kind. The more that we believe in this mentality, the more it becomes attached to our self-esteem. Even more than that, we make it OK not to bother to even try and understand the opposite sex as we have literally alienated them!

I hear men say, “Why don’t women just say what they mean?” Women are born negotiators, diplomats, etc. Men are basic and women are details. What goes into the thought behind what a woman says is so thought out and considerate that most men would not be able to fathom the effort, nor understand its effect.

When a woman is quiet, a million things are running through her mind. When a man is quiet, he is listening to you.

When a woman is not arguing, she is deeply thinking. When a guy is not arguing, he realizes he is wrong.

When a man says he is fine, after a few minutes, he is.

When a women says she is fine, after a few minutes, she’s not.

 Samantha K

xx

The Dating Game - The Player vs. The Pro

It is often that I hear both men and women use the term "Player". It is used to describe a man as a "Pick-Up Artist" who devotes his time to seducing women, using skills and techniques to get women in bed with no intention of a monogamous relationship. If dating is the game, then what do we call the participants, if not players?

As women, we are often hesitant with men if we pick up the scent of a so-called player (depending on our intentions) and proceed with caution. Although, can caution be highlighting the situation, resulting in it becoming more exciting? Have you ever tried to play it better, tried to be the player in the mix, seduce him like a player would, only to arrive at the same result as if you were played? If to be a player is to lead the game, how do you measure the win?

There are so many men out there who want to know how to play the game, to play the game of dating. They want to do so with absolute true intentions of achieving a relationship, but where do they stand... How can they compete? As women, we have a great intuition and have a strong belief that we are a good judge of character, to see the authenticity in a male when he is genuine. Yet, I see so many men, good men, who are fighting to compete with "Players" even though they want to play a different game. 

Men love sport, men love to compete, but the difference with the common sport and the game of dating is that the rules in dating are so unclear and even the criteria to enter a match (a date) is a guessing game. So, where does the incentive lie to sign up as anything but a player? A player need not worry for rejection. A player need not worry about the opinion of the woman. A player needn't worry about so many things as he is not emotionally connected, nor does he have any expectation of a relationship. The Player, becomes a Pro. A Pro, can be an intoxicating lifestyle and is a contributing factor in the forever consistent distance in the battle of the sexes. How does a Pro come to retire, and proceed then through the gates of monogamy with a history (also known to women as the nightmare list of sexual partners that is feared to haunt them at any given moment)? Men become jaded and hesitant by a women who brings into the relationship emotional baggage of break-ups, bad past relationships, etc. So, is the lengthy list of sexual partners paired with a previous reputation the same thing, with a different label? Is this Game Baggage?

For a man looking for a relationship, a serious loving relationship, who does not want to participate in the race to become a Game Pro, where does he start? How does he stand out without seeming desperate or too affectionate? The answer is, in his approach. To channel the right intention, with the right approach is foolproof! Hold tight, the answer in video is coming.... Soon!

Samantha K

xx

How do you take criticism?

I tell you what, I have had a fair share of this in my day (said in an old wise voice) and I feel the more I receive, the better I know how to handle it. My dad taught me many things, but there is one thing in particular that I continue to refine each and every day. He told me “Samantha, the quicker you realize that not everyone is like you, the quicker you will achieve true happiness and not allow such disappointment.” I totally understand what he means and agree, however, it is another thing to implement it and completely live it. This is where it took me a little longer than simply understanding what he meant. 

How can we achieve such a state where we do not take in what negative comparisons our eco-system provides? There is no short answer, but a ride of experiences will help provide you the path to its direction. The hardest critique is that which comes off the back of an opinion or observation coming from a good place, with pure intentions. That is the hardest to not only understand, but to swallow and treat accordingly. It almost on the equal playing field of the opinion of another that it is unjust, uncalled for or simply out of spite. Then, do we take it in our stride, fight for what we believe, or join in playing the game of who speaks the last valid point, wins? In my opinion, the decision rests with the topic, gravity of the situation and to the value you place on your opponent. 

At the same time, I do not discount the appreciation I have for the opinion of others. It is just a wonderful balancing act as to how it affects me and what I chose to do with that opinion. I will also admit, I do value the opinion of some more than others, and that is ok. All in all, the most important persons view and opinion is that of my own (as much as my husband might like to challenge me). The cool thing about owning your own thoughts is that it is in your own privacy that you have the ability to chose what to do with them. When was the last time you aligned your values with the opinion you have taken upon from a third party? At the end of the day, should you disagree with a third parties opinion, what is the worst that can happen?

The opinion you value the most (outside your own, of course!) might be your hairdresser, might be the barrister that serves you coffee and advice every morning, might be your husband, mother, father, or even your child; whoever that might be, is your decision, your right and is catered perfectly to your value system. 

Criticism can be a beautiful thing, for others can sometimes provide you with that you cannot see, and potentially of that which you are unable to appreciate. Should you rule out criticism completely? No, just believe in yourself and you will know what to do with it. It is an unfortunate thing not to listen to your instincts and your wondrous sub-conscious mind.

Samantha K

xx

Flirting beyond gestures

Generally, when we think of flirting, we think of seduction in the eyes. We think of witty banter and suggestive conversation. We think of that touchy feely excitement where the nerve receptors in our body feel and crave every little touch.

Flirting without words can sometimes be the most thrilling. I love the concept of having sex through the eyes. This can either make you uncomfortable or very excited. It really depends on how comfortable that person is with their sexuality. 

If you are single, this can be an extremely powerful tool to have in your back pocket and to pull out when someone catches your eye and looks keen to play along. But there are a few things you need to have before you can build this skill, a few necessary key ingredients that will help you excel.

The way you dress. This says a great deal about you, your personality and your comfort in your sexuality. For a female, the most important thing when it come to dress code is to give off a feminine energy. It is like a drug to men and they pick up the scent quicker than you give them credit for. To a man, a confident female with a delicate female energy tickles his imagination of a confident woman in bed who carries through that feminine energy and will ruthlessly drop the lady-like approach and unleash her womanly desires upon him. To uphold her appearance translates to a man, commitment and respect to herself, as well as a pride and confidence in herself. Studies show, that men are only physically stimulated by women who flash a bit of skin and wear their sexuality on the sleeve. However, men are stimulated on a higher level when physically and mentally stimulated by leaving more to the imagination and playing the game of flirting makes it more interesting for them. 

For a male, the most important element to your dress code is to be clean. Clean, crisp and oozing masculinity. Every women wants a man to take control (why do you think all the erotic novels are such a big hit?), so you need to dress the part. Take tips from what works. You don’t have to look like George Clooney or Brad Pitt... just implement the common denominator - Dream Guy Class!

The way you speak. Manners, allocution and etiquette can unfortunately be far and in between, hence the obvious impact of impressing the opposite sex. Nothing is as refreshing as a well-mannered individual that looks at you in the eye when introducing themselves or celebrating a “cheers” of beverages, knowing how to hold a conversation and understands the respect of the 21st Century values in social dynamics. There is no need to be the 1950’s casanova who stands every time a woman does and waiting to push in her chair when it is obvious there is no need. As with everything, judgement and moderation is crucial. One exercise I like to do with my clients is when having conversations, especially if they are a corporate function, or meeting the parents where the pressure to impress may be a little higher, imagine there is a baby or children in the room and speak accordingly. It is amazing how we become better people in the presents of children and we how alert we are to speak delicately and in a positive fashion. 

Samantha K

xx

50 Shades of Grey - The painted colour of unfulfilled relationships.

Last night I had the absolute privilege of attending The Presidents Dinner at Etihad Stadium, and it was so amazing to be surrounded by wonderful people who were very successful. The engagement in conversation, the appreciation of the beauty of life, the support and genuine interest in my field of work... everything about why they were there was intoxicating and inspiring.

Amongst these wonderful people I felt very comfortable. So comfortable in fact, we stumbled across conversation topics I wouldn’t imagine having in that environment. The 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon... as you do! I don’t know if it is the fact that I tend to hang around a lot of males, or if it is the fact that I am very comfortable talking about sex... or the fact that love, relationships and sex are a part of my everyday life in my business - but a great deal of my conversations tend to end up talking about that very topic... SEX!

So, 50 Shades of Grey? I have heard it be described as ‘Porn for Women in Words’ and the women are proud of it! I took advantage of my new home in the heart of Melbourne and took a journey with Metro to see how many women I could see reading the book. Man, this thing is everywhere. Every single woman who is reading this, owns it, or simply carries it around with them has it posted on Facebook, Twitter (all social media for that matter) and makes sure they are seen to be reading it. I use the term ‘every single woman’ as very much a play on words.

How many single women are reading this book? Turns out, it is a very small percentage. How many coupled/married women are reading this book? Turns out, a hell of a lot. 

I have had a number of people ask me if I have read it, and when I explain that I have not... I get a really curious “Why?”

My question is “Why?” are you reading it? I actually had a friend tell me the other day that one of his female friends has the whole series, but has not read any as of yet. For obvious reasons, he proceeded to ask “Why?” Only to receive a response which opened my eyes to what was actually going on - “I will wait until I am in a relationship to read it”

Now - make sense of that.

So, I went one further. I asked women who were seemingly in very fulfilled relationships if they had read the book, or had any interest in reading the book. Finally! A breakthrough - not only had they not read it, but they had absolutely no interest in reading it.

Has 50 Shades of Grey become the new colour of unfulfilled relationships? I know that this is a massive generalization - but the concept is amazing me!

Interestingly, men are fighting back! In a way which I find super logical and true to the male form, in which I adore. How is it OK for women to be galavanting around with a public display of porn (pretty much), yet men are criticized for ‘watching’ porn? The same thing, yet in a different form? Men are stimulated by visual, when women are very much stimulated by storyline and words. Is it OK because everyone else is doing it and the sheer volume of women who have jumped on board the bandwagon has made it socially acceptable? Is there any women out there that are shy or bashful to read about hardcore sex, bondage and S&M in public? Is it because it is a private and internal experience? 

I love when I see a woman reading it with a smirk on her face. Even for a female, I wonder... what is she thinking? What is being stimulated behind that smirk? Who is she imagining whilst reading? What does she do with that sexual excitement the book has provided her? Could it be possible that this has improved her sex life with her partner? Could it be possible that her expectations have changed in sex with her partner? Has the thought of having an exciting affair crossed her mind in a stern fashion? and... here come the questions. What is the underlying effect this book is having on these women?

Women do a wonderful job at keeping their true sexual thoughts and desires behind closed doors - which is a great thing for their male partner. But, is this taking it to a new level? Are we going to see a new baby boom? We can call it the 50 Shades of Grey Baby Boom!

Samantha K

xx

Flirtationships

The most intense relationships can result from flirtationships. The art of flirting has become a skill necessary in order to meet new people and form new exciting relationships. In the 21st Century, we are more reliant upon technology and have become less confrontational and confident. I hear too often people's struggles to meet people. Where do you go to meet someone? How do you get dates with the people you are interested in? It all comes down to the ability to flirt!

Once you are confident and truly understand the mechanics of flirting, you will find yourself meeting all sorts of people in all sorts of places. You will find yourself locking in dates with people who are you interested in. Once down pat, the flood gates open. 

The trick with flirting is balance and comfortability. There is a fine line between sleazy and flirty. There is a fine line between desperate and available. It all stems from the intent behind the flirt and the true desires. If you are desperate for a relationship, no matter what front you put on - it will be evident that you are desperate.

Friendships can often step into Flirtationship territory, which is generally where it becomes tricky. We hear the terms 'friends with benefits', 'F#&k buddies', 'booty calls', etc. but do they ever convert into a respectful, fulfilling relationship? Sexual tension within a friendship, with or without a sexual relationship, can be intoxicating and extremely exciting. Bearing in mind, this is ok as long as you are both single - otherwise this act can be constituted as emotionally cheating. The duration of the Flirtationship is fun and exciting, and consists of sexual suggestions verbally, written and via body language.

The office is another avenue for Flirtationships and can be one of the more complex relationships. To evolve such a relationship with someone whom you spend a great deal of time with, generally in small spaces and get the privilege of seeing regularly with the mix of a professional obligation can be a recipe for disaster OR a perfect spark for a fresh relationship. These types of relationships are a separate topic alone and is one that has caused much controversy. 

So have fun flirting... You are not hurting anybody. It encourages a sense of comfort in your sexuality which is desirable for the opposite sex.  

Samantha K

xox