What are friends with benefits?

What is a life without love? What is a life with friends? What is a life without wonderful people in your life to share the good and bad times with? There are so many people who, in life, we benefit from… especially, when it comes to friends. Our friends bring wonderful things to our life; happiness, laughter, joy, experience, support… sex?

Yes… Sex? That three-letter word, that has an amazing power to create such passion and intensity. That three-letter word, that also has the power to destruct and ruin. Do we dare bring such an unstable high-risk element into our friendships? There is the obvious possibility that things could get awkward and change the current friendship, but there is also the possibility that it could be amazing and taking a friendship to the next level, and is a new exciting form of exploration that really works. So, how do we measure the risk? How do we know if taking our friendship to ‘friends with benefits’ is worth it?

It is a totally different thought pattern in the decision making for men and women. One of the most important factors when men consider sleeping with a female friend is if that friend will become attached. Now, when friends hook up and this happens, a man knows all too well about what comes with it: There is the potential expectation of a relationship (or even acting as if there were one), the jealousy and protective nature of a woman in a relationship and the need and attention in a romantic nature. If the man wants a relationship, he will voluntarily enter a relationship. If a man wants a friend with benefits, he is mindful not to allow such behaviors to occur and enters into the ‘relationship’ with no expectation or plans of monogamy. It is but purely a sexual relationship.

Women on the other hand, are much more concerned about jeopardizing the friendship and losing that male as a friend, as a non-romantic companion. Women can really cherish their male friends as they provide a refreshing simplicity and all that they love in men without the complexity of a full-blown relationship. Being so, the idea of complicating something that is working smoothly can be very risky to a female. If pursued, and the spark is not there and it gets weird, she will regret her actions and the possibility of going back to the way it was prior to the ‘benefits’ is perceived as long gone!

However, does ‘friends with benefits’ always result from a current existing friendship? Does a ‘friend with benefits’ have to originate from an established, trusting and close-nit friendship? Absolutely not. A friendship can actually be formed through the means of ‘friends with benefits’. Now, that is a pretty cool concept, if you ask me. I have known one-night-stands to eventuate into wonderful friendships. There are many a friendships who function perfectly as what we may see as a normal friendship, yet, behind closed doors they are having sex. What is a normal friendship?

The desire for sex without the commitment of a monogamous relationship is ever growing and most definitely apparent. It is a need, a desire, and just like a thirst – must be quenched. So, if you have not found the right partner, how do you satisfy your sexual needs? Is it on your own, is it by having sex with people you meet whom you are attracted to, or is it obtaining a friend with benefits? What must be absolutely clear is that these relationships are not demeaning, nor should they be frowned upon. They are actually doing what is right for them and doing what feels right. I know of people who are on the search for their soul mate, but whilst searching have a friend to play with and keep them on the straight and narrow to finding that perfect person for them. I know of people who have had a ‘friend with benefits’ for over 7 years. They are wonderful friends and it works just right for them.

The trick is not finding the person who is a willing participant. The trick is finding that person who can maintain the right amount of communication and the ability to build such a trust to make a relationship like this work.

So, if having a friend with benefit works for now, what happens when one party enters into a monogamous relationship with a third party? What happens to the friendship… what happens next?

Samantha K

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What does she really mean when she says she is “fine”?

Ok… as women we very well know that it can be difficult to understand how we think, as some of the time (or even most of the time) even we don’t understand it ourselves.

Men can often hear what they want to hear, and can make the mistake of taking what a female says at face value. The term “I’m fine!” may mean the one and only thing it can mean to you, however, it is quite the contrary when it is coming from a female.

Women communicate by giving subtle suggestions instead of being literal, so they can check for positive reinforcement before they continue. Women want to be careful about the impact they have on the other person. By doing this, women can actually cause a hell of a lot more confusion by trying to be diplomatic and nurturing, and end up frustrating themselves along with the person they are trying softly communicate with.

So, is it possible for men to ever really work out what she is saying or what she wants? Is this where the term “Girl-Code” comes from? What is the secret to decoding Girl-Code? Will it ever be easy? There are three elements to what she is saying:

-       What she says.

-       What she means.

-       Why she says it.

Being able to answer these three questions, you will be able to know what she is really trying to tell you.

If you have seen the movie The Italian Job, you might recall this awesome line: “I’m Fine”, “Do you know what ‘Fine’ means?”

F: Freaked Out

I: Insecure

N: Neurotic

E: Emotional

… I love this!

It all depends on how it is said, not what is actually said. You know how we say that actions speak louder than words - This is absolutely no exception! Gender conceit always amazes me, with Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. This is so untrue. We are both from that little planet called Earth and we are all of the same kind. The more that we believe in this mentality, the more it becomes attached to our self-esteem. Even more than that, we make it OK not to bother to even try and understand the opposite sex as we have literally alienated them!

I hear men say, “Why don’t women just say what they mean?” Women are born negotiators, diplomats, etc. Men are basic and women are details. What goes into the thought behind what a woman says is so thought out and considerate that most men would not be able to fathom the effort, nor understand its effect.

When a woman is quiet, a million things are running through her mind. When a man is quiet, he is listening to you.

When a woman is not arguing, she is deeply thinking. When a guy is not arguing, he realizes he is wrong.

When a man says he is fine, after a few minutes, he is.

When a women says she is fine, after a few minutes, she’s not.

 Samantha K

xx

The Dating Game - The Player vs. The Pro

It is often that I hear both men and women use the term "Player". It is used to describe a man as a "Pick-Up Artist" who devotes his time to seducing women, using skills and techniques to get women in bed with no intention of a monogamous relationship. If dating is the game, then what do we call the participants, if not players?

As women, we are often hesitant with men if we pick up the scent of a so-called player (depending on our intentions) and proceed with caution. Although, can caution be highlighting the situation, resulting in it becoming more exciting? Have you ever tried to play it better, tried to be the player in the mix, seduce him like a player would, only to arrive at the same result as if you were played? If to be a player is to lead the game, how do you measure the win?

There are so many men out there who want to know how to play the game, to play the game of dating. They want to do so with absolute true intentions of achieving a relationship, but where do they stand... How can they compete? As women, we have a great intuition and have a strong belief that we are a good judge of character, to see the authenticity in a male when he is genuine. Yet, I see so many men, good men, who are fighting to compete with "Players" even though they want to play a different game. 

Men love sport, men love to compete, but the difference with the common sport and the game of dating is that the rules in dating are so unclear and even the criteria to enter a match (a date) is a guessing game. So, where does the incentive lie to sign up as anything but a player? A player need not worry for rejection. A player need not worry about the opinion of the woman. A player needn't worry about so many things as he is not emotionally connected, nor does he have any expectation of a relationship. The Player, becomes a Pro. A Pro, can be an intoxicating lifestyle and is a contributing factor in the forever consistent distance in the battle of the sexes. How does a Pro come to retire, and proceed then through the gates of monogamy with a history (also known to women as the nightmare list of sexual partners that is feared to haunt them at any given moment)? Men become jaded and hesitant by a women who brings into the relationship emotional baggage of break-ups, bad past relationships, etc. So, is the lengthy list of sexual partners paired with a previous reputation the same thing, with a different label? Is this Game Baggage?

For a man looking for a relationship, a serious loving relationship, who does not want to participate in the race to become a Game Pro, where does he start? How does he stand out without seeming desperate or too affectionate? The answer is, in his approach. To channel the right intention, with the right approach is foolproof! Hold tight, the answer in video is coming.... Soon!

Samantha K

xx