What are friends with benefits?

What is a life without love? What is a life with friends? What is a life without wonderful people in your life to share the good and bad times with? There are so many people who, in life, we benefit from… especially, when it comes to friends. Our friends bring wonderful things to our life; happiness, laughter, joy, experience, support… sex?

Yes… Sex? That three-letter word, that has an amazing power to create such passion and intensity. That three-letter word, that also has the power to destruct and ruin. Do we dare bring such an unstable high-risk element into our friendships? There is the obvious possibility that things could get awkward and change the current friendship, but there is also the possibility that it could be amazing and taking a friendship to the next level, and is a new exciting form of exploration that really works. So, how do we measure the risk? How do we know if taking our friendship to ‘friends with benefits’ is worth it?

It is a totally different thought pattern in the decision making for men and women. One of the most important factors when men consider sleeping with a female friend is if that friend will become attached. Now, when friends hook up and this happens, a man knows all too well about what comes with it: There is the potential expectation of a relationship (or even acting as if there were one), the jealousy and protective nature of a woman in a relationship and the need and attention in a romantic nature. If the man wants a relationship, he will voluntarily enter a relationship. If a man wants a friend with benefits, he is mindful not to allow such behaviors to occur and enters into the ‘relationship’ with no expectation or plans of monogamy. It is but purely a sexual relationship.

Women on the other hand, are much more concerned about jeopardizing the friendship and losing that male as a friend, as a non-romantic companion. Women can really cherish their male friends as they provide a refreshing simplicity and all that they love in men without the complexity of a full-blown relationship. Being so, the idea of complicating something that is working smoothly can be very risky to a female. If pursued, and the spark is not there and it gets weird, she will regret her actions and the possibility of going back to the way it was prior to the ‘benefits’ is perceived as long gone!

However, does ‘friends with benefits’ always result from a current existing friendship? Does a ‘friend with benefits’ have to originate from an established, trusting and close-nit friendship? Absolutely not. A friendship can actually be formed through the means of ‘friends with benefits’. Now, that is a pretty cool concept, if you ask me. I have known one-night-stands to eventuate into wonderful friendships. There are many a friendships who function perfectly as what we may see as a normal friendship, yet, behind closed doors they are having sex. What is a normal friendship?

The desire for sex without the commitment of a monogamous relationship is ever growing and most definitely apparent. It is a need, a desire, and just like a thirst – must be quenched. So, if you have not found the right partner, how do you satisfy your sexual needs? Is it on your own, is it by having sex with people you meet whom you are attracted to, or is it obtaining a friend with benefits? What must be absolutely clear is that these relationships are not demeaning, nor should they be frowned upon. They are actually doing what is right for them and doing what feels right. I know of people who are on the search for their soul mate, but whilst searching have a friend to play with and keep them on the straight and narrow to finding that perfect person for them. I know of people who have had a ‘friend with benefits’ for over 7 years. They are wonderful friends and it works just right for them.

The trick is not finding the person who is a willing participant. The trick is finding that person who can maintain the right amount of communication and the ability to build such a trust to make a relationship like this work.

So, if having a friend with benefit works for now, what happens when one party enters into a monogamous relationship with a third party? What happens to the friendship… what happens next?

Samantha K

xx