The fear of something not working out as well as one may have planned, is enough ammunition for a defence mechanism to kick in and avoid going for what one wants so as to suppress the emotions of getting hurt. You deny the opportunity to prove yourself right to the simple fact that you deserve it, rather you prove yourself wrong in having faith in yourself to try and succeed.
It is not uncommon to hear the whispers of peoples defence mechanisms in full swing without knowing it. For example, have you ever heard something like this "It is better to dump, before being dumped" We don't need to know the story, but we can begin to imagine that this mechanism has formed from being hurt in a previous relationship.
It is the same when people do not have the courage to approach someone they find attractive for fear of being turned down. They rather talk to the people who approach them. Do you see how these types of behaviours can stand in your way, and prevent you from experience, learning and even love?
We are all human, and this is not something you can just wake up one day and simply know a solution to. But being aware of yourself and your behaviours is the first step to conquering your fears and moving towards your ultimate fulfillment. You will also be better equipped to cope when life throws you a curve ball, or as we say "get dumped".
For a relationship to work, you have to not only be yourself, but you have to show who you truly are. The better you know this, the better you will be able to share this.
You need to dare to trust. If you are honest, you increase your chances that the one you meet will be too!
Samantha K
If you employ honesty and keep the lines of communication open in a relationship, the 'defence mechanisms' don't come into play as both parties know what the other wants and expects.
ReplyDeleteYou an Emir are the perfect example of the type of relationship I am referring to.
It isn't hard to achieve if, like you said, you are prepared to, or dare to, trust.
I've always found that through opening myself up to a person, these little defence mechanisms jump up like an automatic reflex. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out exactly why it is that I've had trouble moving through these, so I thank you for your blog post!
ReplyDeleteThe first step is awareness. Being aware of your behaviour, and what it is that provokes these defense mechanisms. I'd imagine this is why you and Emir enjoy such a sucessful marrige - because you can be completly vulnerable with each other and therefore recognise when these defence mechanisms arise in yourselves (and each other!).
This reminds me of Brene Brown's talk on vulnerability at a Ted conference a while ago:
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
Looking forward to more post Sam, loving them so far!
I agree, being aware of it is something that has really helped me to notice when I am being defensive and also allows me to change my behavior in my relationship for the better!
ReplyDeleteThanks Sam!